16 Really Humorous Story Jokes to tell For Parents of Older Kids
1.Mom Suspects Her Son Is Having An Affair With His Roommate What She Does Next Is Fantastic.
A mother pays a dinner visit to her son who shares a room with a girl.
During dinner his mother couldn’t help but notice his roommate was beautiful. She had always been suspicious of the two’s relationship and this had just aroused her suspicion.
While watching the two interact all through the evening she began to wonder whether there was more between him and his roommate.
“I know what you must be thinking but I promise you we are only roommates,” his son said reading his mother’s thoughts.
About a week later his roommate said, “I haven’t been able to find the silver plate since your mother came to dinner.” You don’t think your mother took it, do you?
“Well, I doubt it but I’ll contact her just to be sure!” he said. He sat down and began to write.
The silver plate has gone missing since you visited me. “I’m not claiming you stole the plate from our home and I’m not saying you don’t but the fact is that it’s been missing since you arrived for dinner.
He got an email from his mum a few days later that read:
I’m not telling you sleep with your roommate and I’m not saying you don’t. The truth is that if she were sleeping in her bed she would have discovered the silver plate under her pillow by now.
2. Parents Inform Their Children That They Are Divorcing But What They Do Next Is Hilarious
“I hate to spoil your day, but I have to inform you that your mother and I are divorcing 45 years of suffering is enough,” an elderly father in Phoenix contacts his son in New York.
“What are you talking about, Pop?” shouts the son.
“We can’t tolerate each other any longer,”
The elderly guy adds. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about it so contact your sister in Chicago and tell her,” he says before hanging up the phone.
In a panic the son contacts his sister who bursts on the phone.
“If I have anything to do with it they’re not getting divorced,” she yells, “and I’ll take care of this.”
She contacts Phoenix right away and yells at the old man “You are NOT going to get divorced. Just don’t do anything till I arrive. I’m calling back my brother and we’ll both be there tomorrow. DO YOU HEAR ME? Until then don’t do anything.” and then hangs up.
“OK, they’re coming for Thanksgiving…now what do we tell them for Christmas?” the elderly man asks his wife.
I suppose this would make a good Christmas fun short tale!
A very funny Cool story about the marines
3. They Never Thought This Was Said By Their Farm Kid After Joining The Marines. This Is Brilliant
A Farm Kid Enlists in the Marine Corps Ma and Pa; I am OK. I hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps is much superior to working for older man Minch. Tell them to sign up as soon as possible before all of the spots are taken.
I was initially restless since you got to remain in bed until almost 5 a.m. But as I grow older I like to sleep later. Tell Walt and Elmer that the only thing you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine a few things. There are no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to build—nothing in particular.
Men have to shave but it’s not too terrible since there’s warm water. Breakfast is heavy on trimmings such as fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and so on, but light on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other usual fare, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit beside the two city guys who live on coffee. Their meal along with yours will keep you going until midday when you will be fed again. It’s no surprise that these city slickers can’t walk far.
According to the platoon sergeant, we go on “route marches,” which are lengthy treks to harden us. A “route march” is roughly equivalent to walking to our mailbox at home. The city folk have aching feet and we all travel back in trucks.
The sergeant is equal to a schoolteacher. He is always nagging. The Captain is equivalent to the school board. Majors and colonels just ride about grumbling. You are not bothered by them.
This will destroy Walt and Elmer while laughing. I keep earning shooting medals. I’m not sure why. The bulls-eye is about the size of a chipmunk’s head it doesn’t move and it’s not firing at you like the Higgett guys at home. All you have to do is lay down in a comfortable position and strike it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They are packaged in boxes.
Then there’s what’s known as hand-to-hand fight training. You’ll be able to fight with the city guys. But I have to be cautious since they break easily; it’s not like battling that old bull back home. Except maybe Tug Jordan from Silver Lake; I’m about the best they’ve got in here. I only had one victory against him. He joined about the same time I did, but I’m just 5’6″ and 130 pounds, while he’s 6’8″ and close to 300 pounds dry.
Tell Walt and Elmer to hurry up and join before more guys catch onto this plan and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Get them, Alice!
Funny Short Stories for Young Parenting
4.He Purchased A Lie Detector For His Son And Wife. But What Came Next Was Priceless.
A guy buys a lie detector robot that slaps liars. The man decided to try it out at dinner.
Dad: Where were you throughout the day, son?
Son: In school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: OK! I was watching a DVD at a friend’s home.
Dad: Which DVD?
Son: Kung Fu Panda
The robot slaps the son. Again.
Son: OK! It was an erotic film.
Dad: What!? I had no idea what an erotic movie was when I was your age.
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. After all, he is your son.!
The robot slaps the MOM.
Get that robot out of here!
5.Father Discovers That His Daughter Can Predict The Future. What Happens Next is Surprising.
A father read a book to his 3 year old daughter and listened to her prayers which she finished with “God bless mother, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa.”
“Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?” Father asked.
“I don’t know daddy,” the young girl said. It simply felt like the right thing to do at the time. Grandpa died the following day. It seemed like a weird coincidence to Father.
A few months later the father tucked his daughter into bed and listened to her prayers which went something like: “God bless mother, God bless daddy, and goodbye grandma.”
Grandma died the following day.
“Oh my goodness,” the daddy thought, “this child is in touch with the other side.”
Several weeks later as the child was getting ready to go to bed her father heard her say, “God bless the mother and goodbye, daddy.”
He was in a state of shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and had to get up at the morning to go to work. He was as anxious as a cat all day and kept an eye on the time. He thought if he could just make it until midnight he’d be OK. He felt secure at the workplace so rather than going home at the end of the day he remained sipping coffee, checking his watch, and trembling at every sound.
Midnight has finally come. He breathed a sigh of relief and returned home.
“I’ve never seen you work so late,” his wife said when he returned home. “What’s the problem?”
“I don’t want to speak about it,” he replied. “I just had the worst day of my life.”
“You think you had a terrible day,” she remarked. You’re not going to believe what happened to me. The mailman died on our doorstep this morning.”
“Daddy” has nothing to be concerned about!
6.The Student Claims He Is Too Intelligent For First Grade. This Is The Response Of The Principal.
A first-grade teacher was having difficulties with one of her students. When she asked Johnny what was wrong he responded, “I’m too clever for first grade; my sister is in third grade and I’m smarter than her as well.” The teacher-led him to the principal’s office and described the issue.
The principal informed her that Johnny would be given a test and if he failed to answer one question correctly he would be sent back to first grade and ordered to be quiet.
Both the teacher and Johnny agreed.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3”
Principal: “6 x 6”
And so the principal asked him every question a third-grader should be able to answer. After about an hour he finally informed the teacher, “I see no reason Johnny can’t proceed to third grade. He answered all of my questions correctly.”
The teacher asked if she may question him. Johnny and the principal both agree.
Teacher: “What does a cow have four of but I only have two of?
Teacher: “What have you got in your trousers that I don’t??”
The principal gasps, but before he can stop him, he responds.
Johnny says: “Pocket.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Teacher: “What begins with F and finishes with K and indicates a great deal of excitement?”
“Put Johnny in fifth grade, I got the final four questions incorrect myself,” the principal adds, breathing a sigh of relief.
Johnny is a bright young man with a clean brain!
7.This State Police Officer Just Drooled Over Five Old Ladies. The Reason Why Is Exactly Correct.
A State Police Officer is waiting on the side of the highway for speeding drivers when he notices a vehicle driving at 22 miles per hour.
“This driver is equally as dangerous as a speeder!” he thinks to himself. So he flashes his lights and pulls over the car.
As he approaches the vehicle he sees 5 older women 2 in the front seat and 3 in the back wide-eyed and as white as ghosts.
The driver clearly puzzled replies to him, “Officer, I’m not sure what you’re talking about; I was going exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the issue?”
“You weren’t speeding Ma’am,” the Officer responds “but you should realize that going slower than the speed limit may equally endanger other drivers.”
“You’re going slower than the speed limit? No, sir, I was exactly 22 miles per hour above the speed limit! “The elderly lady replies proudly.
The State Police officer explains to her trying not to laugh that “22” was the route number not the speed limit.
Despite her shame the lady smiled and thanked the Officer for pointing out her mistake.
“But, Ma’am before I let you leave I must inquire… Is everyone in this vehicle OK? These ladies seem to be quite frightened and they haven’t said a single word the whole time “The Officer inquires.
“They’ll be OK in a minute Officer. We had just exited Route 119.”
They’ll have plenty of amusing tales to tell their grandchildren after this grannies’ road vacation.
Funny Jokes to Tell Your Grandparents
8.She Was Refused To Make A Large Deposit At The Bank. What She Does Next is speechless.
One day an older woman entered the Bank of America headquarters carrying a big bag of money. She insisted on speaking with the bank’s president to open a savings account since “it’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist voiced her dissatisfaction saying, “You can’t simply come in and expect to meet Bank of America’s President. He’s a man on the go.”
“But I’m here to make a big cash deposit,” the elderly lady said.
The receptionist took a brief look at the money bag before walking back to one of the back offices. She returned and said, “You’re in luck this morning. He’ll see you,” and led her into the Bank of America President’s office.
When she went into the office a well-dressed guy behind a oaken desk. “How can I assist you?” said the bank president.
“I’d like to open a savings account,” she responded placing the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you want to deposit?” he inquired.
“$180,000 please,” she said dumping the cash from her bag onto his desk.
The President was taken aback by the amount of money so he questioned her, “Ma’am, I’m stunned you’re carrying so much cash particularly for a lady at your age. How did you get such a large sum of money?”
“I make bets,” the elderly woman answered.
The President then said, “What sort of bets are they?”
“Well, for example I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square,” the elderly lady replied.
“You want to bet me $25,000 that my balls and testicles are square?” said the guy. He couldn’t stop himself from laughing.
“Yes, you heard me correctly. In fact, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square by 10 a.m. tomorrow.”
The guy grinned widely as if he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!” he said, shaking her hand.
“All right,” the little elderly woman replied, “but because there’s a lot of money at stake may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”
“Sure!” said the President, confidently.
The President became very nervous about the bet that night. He spent a long time in front of a mirror examining his testicles, rotating from side to side, over and again. He carefully looked at them until he was confident that his balls were not square and that he would win the bet.
The following morning at precisely 10:00 a.m. the older woman arrived with her lawyer at the President’s office. She presented the lawyer to the President and reaffirmed the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”
The President agreed to the bet once more, and the older woman urged him to remove his trousers so everyone could see. The President agreed. The little older woman sifted through his balls before asking if she might feel them.
“Well, OK,” the President replied clearly embarrassed. “$25,000 is a lot of money, I suppose it’s alright,” he thinks to himself. “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I suppose you should be very sure,” he said.
He saw the lawyer silently beating his head against the wall as the elderly lady began to feel the banker’s testicles.
“What the heck is wrong with your lawyer?” the President said to the elderly woman.
“Nothing, but I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands,” the elderly woman responded.
That’s a woman who knows how to bet!
A Funeral Story Joke
9. He asked his wife to bury him with All of his money which she did.
There was once a guy who had worked his whole life and saved all of his money.
When it came to money he was a greedy man. He loved money more than anything else and shortly before he died he told his wife, “Now, when I die I want you to take all of my money and put it in my coffin with me. Because I want to spend all of my money in the hereafter.”
So he convinced his wife to promise him wholeheartedly that she would place all the money in the coffin with him when he died. Then he died one day.
He was stretched out in the coffin and his wife sat in a black dress next to their dearest buddy. When the funeral was completed just as the undertakers were about to shut the coffin, the wife said, “Wait A Minute!”
She was carrying a box, so she came over and put it in the coffin. The undertakers then secured the coffin and rolled it away.
“I hope you weren’t foolish enough to put all that money in there with that greedy old guy,” her buddy remarked.
She replied, “Yes, I promised. I can’t lie because I’m an honest Christian. I told him that I’d put the money in the coffin with him.”
“Do you mean you placed every penny of his money in the coffin with him?”
“I certainly did,” the woman said. “I gathered everything, deposited it in my account and wrote him a cheque.”
A funny tale to tell at a funeral that isn’t too offensive
This is the tale to tell at funerals if you ever need a laugh.
10. The Pilot Was Asked For A Favor By This Woman. But Everyone Was Taken Back When He Did This.
A lady was taking a flight from Seattle to San Francisco. Along the route the aircraft was unexpectedly redirected to Sacramento.
The flight attendant informed that there would be a delay and that if the passengers wanted to leave the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Except for one blind woman everyone got off the aircraft. A guy passing by had seen her and could tell she was blind since her guide dog had lain quietly under the seats in front of her the whole trip. He could also tell she’d taken this trip previously since the pilot approached her and asked, “Kathy, we’ve been in Sacramento for nearly an hour. Would you want to get off and stretch your legs?”
“No thanks,” the blind woman said, “but Bud may want to stretch his legs.”
When passengers looked up and saw the Captain come off the aircraft with a guide dog for the blind everyone in the gate area came to a complete shock!
Worst of all the pilot was wearing sunglasses!
People dispersed. They attempted not only to change aircraft but also to change airlines!
This is an excellent one to add to your library of flying short humorous tales to use when striking up a conversation with a stranger.
11. Lawyer Won’t Leave The Girl Alone On Their Plane. What she does next is brilliant.
On a trip from Los Angeles to New York a lady and a lawyer sat next. The lawyer asked if she wanted to play a game.
Exhausted and wanting to sleep the lady respectfully refused and rolled over to the window to catch a Nap. The lawyer continues explaining that the game is enjoyable and straightforward. “I will ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00” he said.
She refuses once again and tries to sleep.
“OK, if you don’t know the answer you give me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer I will pay you $500.00” the lawyer said.
This tickles the woman’s interest and she decides to play the game believing there would be no end to her agony until she does.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What is the distance from the earth to the moon?
Without saying anything the lady goes into her handbag takes out a $5.00 and gives it to the lawyer. “All right,” the lawyer replies “it’s your time.”
“What climbs up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” she asks the lawyer.
The lawyer confused pulls out his laptop and looks through all of his references but there is no word. He connects his modem to the air phone and searches the internet and the Library of Congress but there is no answer. Frustrated he writes emails to all of his friends and colleagues but nothing works. He awakens the lady after an hour and gives her $500.00.
“Thank you,” the lady replies before turning back to sleep.
The lawyer clearly irritated awakens the lady and says “Well, what’s the answer?
The lady reaches into her purse without saying anything gives the lawyer $5.00 and returns to her nap.
This lady most likely has a PhD in comedy. She’s also $490 wealthier.
12. A woman is pulled over and confesses to murder. What She Does Next Is Extraordinary.
Woman: Is there an issue, Officer?
Officer: You were driving too fast, ma’am.
Woman: Yes, I see.
Officer: Could you kindly show me your driver’s license?
Woman: I’d give it to you if I had one but I don’t.
Officer: You don’t have one?
Woman: It was banned four times for drunk driving.
Officer: Oh, I see. Could you kindly show me your car registration papers?
Woman: That’s something I can’t do.
Woman: I stole This vehicle.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I murdered and chopped up the owner.
Officer: What do you mean?
Woman: If you want to view his body parts, they’re in plastic bags in the trunk.
The Officer stares at the lady then slowly walks back to his vehicle calling for backup. Within minutes five police vehicles encircled the car. A senior cop approaches the car cautiously his pistol half-drawn.
Officer 2: Please, Ma’am, step out of your car!
The lady gets out of her car.
Woman: Is there an issue, sir?
Officer 2: According to one of my officers, you stole this vehicle and killed the owner.
Officer 2: Yes, could you kindly open your car’s trunk? The lady opens the trunk only to find an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your vehicle, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration documents. The first cop is shocked.
Officer 2: According to one of my officers, you do not have a driver’s license.
The lady reaches inside her handbag and takes out a purse which she gives to the Officer. The Officer opens the clutch purse and inspects the license. He seems puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am. One of my policemen informed me that you didn’t have a license, stole this vehicle, and killed and chopped up the owner.
Woman: I’m sure the liar told you I was speeding as well.
A hilarious tale about a lady driver who confesses to murdering.
Add this to your collection of humorous tales to share with your buddies on a road trip!
13. How My Husband and I Scared A Cab Driver This Is Unforgettable.
My husband and I were dressed and set to head out for a romantic dinner and the theatre.
We had previously been attacked so we switched ON a ‘night light’ and the answering machine before putting the cat in the garden. We stepped out our front door as our taxi came and our very tubby cat squeezed between our knees inside then raced up the stairs. Because our cat loves to pursue our budgie we didn’t want to leave them alone so my husband went inside to get her and put her back in the backyard.
Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to think our home would be vacant all evening I told him my husband would be out for a minute to say goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later, all hot and bothered, he got into the taxi and remarked (to my increasing horror and amusement) as the cab drove away.
“Sorry for the delay but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to leave but I caught her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as she did the last time. However, it was successful! I tossed her big ass down the stairs and into the backyard. she best not sh*t in the vegetable garden again.”
The taxi’s quiet was deafening.
After his shift the cab driver will have a great tale to tell his family!
14. A man gets arrested for creeping out this lady on a bus. His explanation is flawless.
A woman who was approximately 8 months pregnant boarded a bus.
She saw the guy across from her smiling at her.
She quickly shifted to a different seat.
She moved again as the smile turned into a grin.
The guy seemed to be more amused.
The guy broke out laughing on the fourth move.
She informed the driver and he had the guy detained.
The matter was heard in court. The judge invited the guy (about 20 years old) to speak for himself.
The man said,
‘Well, your Honor, it was like this:
I couldn’t help but notice the lady’s condition as she boarded the bus. I smiled as she sat down beneath a sign that read, ‘The Double Mint Twins are arriving.
She then went and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will help with oedema,’ and I couldn’t help but grin.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,” ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ I screamed and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.
But Your Honor when she moved for the fourth time and sat under a banner that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have avoided this Accident!’
I just lost it.’
Sure, he was detained but he’ll have plenty of amusing short tales to tell his grandchildren!
15.The Greatest Irish Joke Ever Told. This is pure gold.
Two guys sat next to each other at London’s Murphy’s Pub. After a while one of the guys looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but believe you’re from Ireland from listening to you.’
“Yes, that’s me!” says the other guy confidently.
‘So am I,’ says the first. And where are you in Ireland?
The second guy replies, “I’m from Dublin,” The first response, “So am I!”
Begora and Mother Mary And what street in Dublin did you reside on?’
‘It was a beautiful small place,’ adds the other guy. I resided on McCleary Street in the historic town centre.’
‘Faith and it’s a little world,’ says the first. I stayed in the same place! I stayed in the same place! ‘And where would you have gone to school?’
‘Well, of course I went to St. Mary’s,’ says the other guy.
The first one becomes delighted and exclaims, “And so did I.” Tell me about your graduation year.
‘Well, now, let’s see,’ says the other guy. ‘In 1964, I graduated.’
‘The Good Lord must be smiling down on us!’ cries the first. I can’t believe our good fortune in ending up at the same spot tonight. Believe it or not, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964!
Vicky comes up to the bar about this time sits down and orders a drink.
Brian the bartender approaches Vicky and shakes his head muttering, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
‘Why do you say that, Brian?’ Vicky inquires.
‘The Murphy twins are drunk once again.’
16.How Europeans Encounter Native Americans. This Joke will kill you
Three Europeans visit America. They are all abducted by native Americans who want to kill them.
However, the Europeans ask for their lives to be spared. The native Americans promised not to kill them if the Europeans went into the jungle and brought back a fruit after which they would be told what to do with it.
So the first man returns with a peach. “Shove it up to your ass. If you laugh, we slaughter you,” says the native American. So he shoves the peach up his ass and giggles and the natives kill him.
The second man returns with a grape. The Native American says the same thing to him. He chuckles and the native American murders him.
They both meet in heaven, and the first man says to the second, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that’s why I smiled but you had a grape. What happened?” “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!” says the second guy.